I swear, if one more person asks...

This is literally getting ridiculous! Like, no joke...seriously, Mom???? Are you going to tell everyone everything going on in my life and ask them to fish for info??? Just to clarify, let me walk you through the last two days...

So yesterday I go with my mom and g'ma to the bank and sneak off to the candy shop across the street to visit with my neighbor/boss. It's the first time I've seen her since spring break and one of the first things she asks me about is "the bf." Really? Why is everyone so interested? Anyway, so that was kinda awkward trying to explain that...because apparently NO ONE is satisfied with the answer that we had our thing and now its over. And apparently EVERYONE is curious. Later on, my mom, g'ma, and I go to get our nails done. While there, my mom brings up the subject of A asking questions as per usual. I vaguely answer, then g'ma pipes in. She gives a bunch of suggestive winks and comments about the "relationship," much to my embarrassment in a public establishment. I swear I've answered the same questions a dozen times by now. Later that night my mom brings up the subject a couple more times asking the same questions and not getting any different info...you'd think she'd relent. But no.

Tonight, like everyone Sunday night from Memorial Day to Labor Day, is concert in the park. We usually go up with the neighbors and eat/drink while pretending to listen to some local band. Everything was going fine until, like, the last few songs of the concert. My neighbor (who has the vacation home and is a zonie is here with her daughter for the weekend), well, her husband had called and was being passed around the circle of people. Apparently he wanted to talk to me and the first thing he says when I get on the phone: tell me the dirt. I kinda play dumb knowing everyone was watching/listening, but he keeps asking about the dirt and story. He finally gives up and threatens to get it out of me with the whole family comes in a couple of weeks.

Of course when I hang up the phone now everyone else has tuned to the subject. My mom is the ring-leader, then the zonie's daughter jumps in on the fun (my age), and our other neighbors. I hate that all discussion is about me. Well, my mom had to leave a little early and takes my bike home (which means I got to ride the tandem with my stepdad...haha) and once she leaves the three ladies (zonie, daughter, other neighbor) all start asking me questions since my mom has left. I tell them the same thing I've told everyone else, but, seriously, NO ONE is satisfied. I absolutely have no idea what to say to make the story more interesting then: we dated a month, so it's hard to completely know what you want; school ended, cutting time short; yes I like him, but not enough to stay in monterey; no we haven't talked on the phone, but yes we text; we're not committed to long distance, but we're not completely out of each others' life...it is what it is and what happens, happens. We aren't going to force it. Timing sucked. That's it.

I know the inquisition isn't over, but every time someone brings it up it just makes it that much harder to move on. I never wanted to over-analyze the situation...but that's exactly what's happening since everyone is asking about every single detail, which constantly makes me think about it. ugh!

Side note: My mom told me today that my g'ma told her yesterday that she hoped I wouldn't get pregnant. Then my g'ma thought about it and said it wouldn't be too bad if I did, and that she would be fine with it. (good to know)

Life's Soundtrack

The last few days have been bittersweet between leaving the only real group of friends I have to moving back in with my parents. It's funny how often the radio seems to tune right into your life, your mood. Or maybe when you're feeling down you're more aware of the music playing. As A and I were sitting in the airport parking lot passing the time before my flight yesterday, the radio lady spoke to us. It was so appropriate really. She was talking about it being Friday and she was hoping it was passing by fast for everyone. Then she stopped, and backtracked, and said that maybe for some they don't want the moment to end. So she wished that time would freeze for us and last forever. Now, that may have been a little over the top...but still fit the atmosphere quite well.

Life..

two in one day...aren't you special...

So, life gave me a wake up call today in the form of the two words I have come to despise/fear: "Grandpa fell."

Grandpa fell last year when he had his stroke. Grandpa fell last summer when he broke his arm. Grandpa fell and hit his head. Grandpa fell and bruised his arm. Grandpa fell and bruised his cheek. Grandpa fell and they took him to the hospital...again. Grandpa fell. Grandpa fell. Grandpa fell. I don't understand how a person can fall while using a walker, but I guess that really isn't the point.

You see, my grandparents shouldn't be living alone, but no one in the family will take responsibility for them. I'm the only one with no set plans, so it would make sense that I move in with them for the next year, get a job around the corner for expenses and so I'll be close by, and take care of them. The only problem is that I don't drive, so it would be irresponsible of me to take care of two elderly people without the ability to drive them places. It doesn't make sense. It's my fault I'm not even qualified to take care of my own grandparents. It's my fault I'm stupid and refuse to drive. It's my fault I've let this fear control my life. It's my fault that people look down at me because I can't drive. It's my fault that everyone in my family is disappointed in me. I have no one to blame but myself. And now, it's my fault that I can't even help.

Dear Awkward,

Thanks for coming to the party last night. It was awesome. You got all the people I never wanted to meet in the same room together. Have I told you how much I appreciate that? It was especially fun when one of my really good friends came up to me and told me that a gay guy just tried to make out with her - I told her that was to be expected out of him.

Oh, and just because you are so considerate, I thoroughly enjoyed none of those people even looking at me (well, until one of them was forced to play beer pong against me). All I got was a drunkenly yelled "Jeeessssiiiicaaaa!!!" from the one and a whiny, "Why do you haaaate meee?" from the other.

I couldn't even hang out with my real friends because you, Awkward, were always sitting or standing right there. I, at least, hope my friends see what idiots they all are and respect me more for ditching them. Oh, and nice touch at the end with those two guys. The shorty didn't even glance in my direction, and the big guy was just upset we beat him at beer pong.

One more thing, please stop making yourself present all up on that one guy who keeps staring at me whenever I'm in a 5 mile radius. I mean, seriously, talk about creeper. Well, that was all. Please don't show up again at a party like that, or anywhere for that matter.

Much obliged!
MJ

Are you kidding me?

like...for reals? I am so tired right now, that appears to be my new "thing." I seriously can't remember the last time I got a full night's sleep. And this sucks because sleeping is my favorite. I used to count on those restful 8-9 hours each night to get me through the day. Now I'm relying on caffeine and naps. This is not the way to live. On top of that, this lack of sleep is making me even more cranky and totally screwing up my hormones. Stupid capstone stress isn't helping either. And what am I getting out of this non-existent sleep??? NOTHING. Apparently it is just normal for people to stay awake all night with nothing better to do...though I am beginning to know the late night tv schedule.

?

I have been asked so many times within the last two days if I'm getting excited about graduation. My answer is always the same: No.

I'm honestly way to stressed to even contemplate graduating right now. I have procrastinated way too much for comfort, and now everything is piled on at the end. So much shit is due within the next two weeks, and I am not prepared for any of it. So, no, I am not excited about graduation. I have nothing to do afterward, so there is no rush for me to go home. I despise the idea of me living with my parents again. I want my own place, but of course I can't afford that shit.

Not too mention I'm not looking forward to leaving monterey. Surprisingly I got comfortable here, and am kind of nervous to leave and not know when I'm coming back. I hope I can stay at least an extra week just so I can say a proper goodbye to some people. My parents didn't seem too thrilled with that idea, but just up-and-leaving is kinda scary. Especially since I'll have family here from mid week til the time I leave for good, so I won't get to hang out with anyone those last few days. I just need a few extra days to tie up some loose ends and maybe see where some things go.

Why is everything happening so fast?

dear life,

work with me ok? Please stop having boys send me "signals" who don't follow through. I'm really tired of being lead on by guys who all of a sudden back off. I want a guy to be assertive and straight forward. What happened to all these big, strong MEN I hear about who don't give up? This makes me have really low self-esteem, and I do not appreciate it. So, please let this one be different, and not be awkward when we run into each other tomorrow. I want to insert a little more fun into my last few weeks of a college student...is that too much to ask? I know everything happens for a reason, but these reasons are no longer clear to me. Now I am off to have "sweet dreams" as per wished, hoping that everything works out.

<3

CRAPstone

Ok capstone, you are pissing me off. I have no idea how to even go about starting you, and I can't even imagine how I'm going to get 25 pages out of all this stupid research shit I've been busting my ass with. Not only do I have to write you, but I have to annotate all your fucking sources because my major is a piece of shit that hates everyone.

On a side note: you have made me realize that I'm really interested in the study of the sex-industry as a long term thing. So, by chance, if/when I do apply for grad school I will be looking into the gender studies department and can happily study strippers and prostitutes for the rest of my life. Just kidding, I've recently (as of 30 seconds ago when I wrote that last line) had an epiphany...even if I get my PhD in gender studies, what the fuck am I going to do with that? I do not plan on becoming a teacher because that is the most unappealing job to me, and I don't want to work in an office setting the rest of my life...so, basically, even if I decide to go back to school for another four years, I'm still screwed when I get out. What would really make me happy is to have my own Fitness Pole Dancing studio...but since I don't even know how to do that, I doubt I could teach people.

I guess I could become a pleasure party specialist...although I have no idea how to do that either. One of Barb's students became that then came to class and educated us (and she's also teaches pole dancing). I can just hear my parents bragging to people:

Some parent of someone I went to school with: Oh, and what is it your kids do now? Where did they go to school again?

Mom: Josh went to Calpoly and is now working as an engineer for At&t in LA with great promotion opportunities.

Parent: And your daughter?

Mom: Jessica went to Monterey Bay.

Parent: Now, what school is there?

Mom: It's a cal state on the old army base Fort Ord.

Parent: Oohhh, and has she graduated?

Mom: Yes, and now she owns her own fitness studio.

Parent: Really? How interesting, what kind of fitness?

Mom: Pole dancing.

Parent: You're daughter teaches stripping?

Mom: Yes, and she also sells sex toys.

Parent: hmm...you must be so proud.

And then my mom will be all embarrassed and think I'm such a disgrace. I can't even imagine how this conversation would go for my dad. Why did I have to be the unmotivated one in the family that just wants to get married and have babies which is never going to happen anyway?

And this is all because of my stupid capstone that I am procrastinating and stressing about, and I fear I won't get done, and it will turn out to be a piece of crap. So, thank you crapstone for ruining my life.

Commencement Crap

So, I finally admitted to my mom today that I had yet to buy my graduation announcements because I couldn't fathom spending nearly $100 dollars for a set of 25. Granted it was my parents' money...but still. You see, it take like 4-6 weeks for the announcements to be mailed to you, so I was worried she'd be upset. On the contrary, she was pretty chill. She said that she didn't really like the idea of mailing them out and making everyone feel obligated to send money, so we're going to do things a little less traditional and a little more personal.

I was also asked what I wanted for graduation - I didn't have the heart to say I wanted that $300-$400 "exercise" pole that spins freely in either direction. Oh man, I will save up for that one day. Instead, I played the conservative and just said I wanted to live at home for free until I figured out my next step...which then begged the question: what are your plans after graduation?

Umm...good question mom. I told her most of the prospects I wrote in my earlier post - aside from the pole dancing classes of course. One day I'll have to break down and inform her of my dream to teach pole dancing, but probably not while I'm living under her roof.

I know...boring, boring, boring...blah, blah, blah...and yet, this is what my life has come to. I wish I could just take off, but my parents have never done anything horrible enough for me to repay them by vanishing and causing them pain. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so considerate.

Confession:

So, about a year ago I started a blog under a different name and set up an email for it. I wrote one post then kinda just got over it. However, I really liked the concept of that blog and wanted to start it up again...only...I can't remember my email address or password for it. Totally lame.

I wanna be a stripper...

Well, not really. I don't think I could ever have the balls to actually take my clothes off for a bunch of people despite the appealing nature of the job. Depending on where a dancer works, she'll either make bank or barely make by. I think it would be a fun job, but certainly not something I could confide to my parents about. As graduation soon approaches, I need to start thinking about my future seriously.

I can't get a real job for the first few months after graduation, because I have so many obligations until August. (ie. babysitting my g'parents for 3 weeks, bro's graduation, other bro's graduation across the country, and g'parents 60th anniversary party) I can't very well start on a career path only to request so many days off within the first three months. Oye. This will be a good time to think about my future and start getting everything in order. Meanwhile, I'll have a somewhat demeaning job at a candy store, which will be a great source of income while living at home, but not so great when all the old high school people show up and start the small town gossip about what I'm doing after college.

Anyway, here are the options I have come up with thus far:

(1) While working at the candy shop, invest in pole dancing lessons to the point of expert level. After the summer, move up to Monterey (where there is no pole dancing classes available) and start my own studio. Of course there is a lot more to think about, like funding and actually having the body to pull this career choice off.

(2) Work in the candy shop while applying to graduate school, then pursuing my doctorate in anthropology studying the sex industry. Using the candy shop money to take pole dancing lessons and work my way through graduate school teaching pole dancing wherever I end up for school. (Hopefully in Iowa because I like their graduate program and I would finally be able to spend time with my 3 sisters, get to know them, and have a place to live)

(3) Work at the candy shop until I can get a job on a cruise ship and be shipped off somewhere.

(4) Apply for a job in linguistics on the Navy Base where my parents work. (Knowing my parents are pretty influential and have some pull around there, my last name will most likely get me one of the openings) They would pay for graduate study (probably not in strippers though) and I would be shipped around the US to different base locations. Kinda unappealing in that sense.

(5) Join the Coast Guard.

Frogs Need Not Apply

“Check this out,” Jacki says to her roommate Kate who is also stretched out with her laptop on the opposing couch, “this dude is seriously looking for someone who gets turned on by the idea of being a submissive fuck-toy and fantasizes about being treated as a cumslut and bitch.”

“Why are you on Craigslist again?” Kate gives Jacki a sidelong glance before returning to her Organic Chemistry lab write-up that she’s copying from her friend who took the class last semester.

“I was looking for a table or something so we can finally get our TV off the floor. But I got bored of that and there’s some funny shit on this site. Maybe I should respond to the 36 year old sugardaddy looking for a princess to spoil. He’s old enough to be financially secure, but young enough that it wouldn’t be completely gross if I prostituted myself to him.”

“Be sure to tell him you can bake.” Kate added distracted by chemical formulas.

“Good idea.” Jacki said scrolling through the hundreds of personal ads.

“I was kidding.” Kate stopped typing and turned to glare at her best friend. “You can’t be serious, J.” Jacki met Kate’s gaze across the secondhand coffee table covered in old Grocery Outlet coupons and empty Diet Coke cans.

“You know I’m not that desperate.” She returned to her perusal of sexually frustrated men. “But seriously, does this guy think he’s going to get a sane chick with ‘Cuddle Buddy Wanted’ as his subject line?”

“Lots of girls like to cuddle” Kate reasons.

“I know, but they usually like to cuddle up to a big strong guy who doesn’t admit that he likes it too.”

“Stereotype much?”

“Just stating facts.”

“Maybe that’s why you’re still single. You’re so picky, J.” Kate could feel Jacki’s glare. “Why don’t you write your own personal ad?” Kate suggests.

“You know,” Jacki said, sitting up to take a sip of her Diet Coke, “that’s a good idea.”

“Please don’t.”

“Why not? You said it yourself, I’m difficult to please, and this will ensure that guys know what I’m looking for up front. It’s perfect. And I’m honestly not going to actually post it. I’m not that much of a creeper. Right now, I’m just that bored.” She opened a new Word document, keeping Craigslist up for inspiration.

“Okaaaaay.” Kate said focusing back on her notes. Another rerun of Friends started on the television as Jacki pulled her hair into a ponytail and began to type.

22 year old single white female seeking single white male 23-27, Non smoker, and Drug/Disease Free. Must be taller than 5’8” with a decent build and muscle definition.

Jacki paused with her finger poised above her keyboard. “This is harder than I thought,” Jacki sighed.

“How can it be hard?” Kate asked, “You’re listing things about yourself and what you want in a man. All things you should know pretty well already, so just write them down.” After a minute Jacki began typing again.

I like reading, watching movies, video games (more-so when I actually win), playing board games and cards – but not geeky shit like World of Warcraft or whatever. Sports are fun to watch, although I do enjoy playing basketball and maybe some soccer.

“Damn, I sound boring.” Jacki said.

“Did you talk about your stripper pole?”

“I only had my exercise pole for like three weeks before I moved last year.” Jacki replied.

“Still…” Kate added, “guys like anything with ‘stripper’ attached to it.”

“Now who’s stereotyping?” Jacki mumbled turning back to her ad.

Some experience with an exercise pole. Train in Marital Arts two-three times a week. Love hiking day trips and the thought of camping – although the actual camping adventure may take some intense convincing. Can have fun just spending an entire day watching marathons of old TV series or building something constructive.

“Hmmm.” Jacki wonders aloud to Kate, “Would you consider, ‘Sometimes doesn’t get dressed all day’ as a positive or negative?”

“How can that possible be a positive trait?” Kate asks, “You realize the point is to attract guys…?”

“I dunno,” Jacki responds, “I thought the bed rumpled, sleepy eyed, comfortable look was sexy.”

“Yeah, and your flannel pajama pants concealing stubbly legs, stained oversized Spice Girls t-shirt, and greasy hair just screams ‘Do me now!’” Kate counters.

“Point taken.” Jacki moved on.

You can find me curled up in comfortable clothes on rainy days working on a puzzle, and in all sense just wasting life.

“Would it be wrong to say I’m a gold-digging hussy?” Jacki asked Kate.

“Well, it’s true, but I’d find a better way to say it.”

I prefer a financially stable man who likes to occasionally display his wealth in a tasteful, nonprostituting way. I’d like a guy who can take charge of a situation without being a complete douche and overbearing unless it’s specified in certain situations which, of course, we’ll discuss further upon approval.

“I feel like I should stop, but I have many more qualifications a possible man must adhere to.” Jacki pursed her lips in deliberation.

“You said it was just a joke, so rant it out.” Kate advised.

“Hmm…you’re right.” Jacki went back to laying out her terms.

Want a man who wants to protect me but admires my independence. Who supports and motivates without being annoying. Has goals and aspirations to succeed. Wants to pay my way, but respects my own career. A self appointed “tough guy” who knows where the line is. Can make me feel small and fragile as well as strong and capable. Opinionated but not imposing.

“Keep in mind you don’t want to repeat history.” Kate interjected, referring to Jacki’s previous failed dating attempts.

I move faster than a simple peck on the cheek after 3 weeks of dating, but please refrain from pulling your dick out at a bus stop on the second date. I won’t make the first move, but again, be able to sense the mood and know the boundaries.

Jacki thought about her brief fling with Alan when she was just a freshman in college. Too nice of a guy not ready for an adult relationship, but too sweet to give up on. Jacki was patient for a month before becoming frustrated with the sixth-grade relationship they fell into. That’s when she realized she was drawn more towards the take charge type. However, last year Rocky got so wasted and high at a party on their second “date” that he freely whipped out his junk while they were waiting at a lit, residential, bus stop. A happy medium is her new goal.

Jacki clicked back over to Craigslist for some more ideas. “What should I be looking for?” She asked Kate, “Relationship wise I mean. Should I go for a long term thing, friends with benefits, or like this one guy who is taking bondage classes and just needs a rope bottom to practice on.”

“With your specifications, I’d take whatever you can get.” With that under consideration, Jacki finished off her ad.

If you feel confident in yourself and are prepared to be emasculated as per testing procedure, then please respond with decent grammar and correct spelling. All responses with dumbass slang and text talk will be instantly deleted. For example: “I go 2 skool,” “looking for sum1 thats real shes gotta have dreams,” and “no strags atasht” which I’m pretty sure was suppose to say “no strings attached.” Also, and this is very important, no guy in his right mind should ever use “lol” in any type of context unless he is gay, in which case I am not looking for you.

“I need a catchy subject line,” Jacki said.

“Too Stuck Up For You” Kate suggested and thought for a minute, “or what about, Check Me Out With Your Checkbook Out.”

“Uh, no.” Jacki dismissed, “Although that second one is pretty catchy. How about: In Search Of Prince Charming – Frogs Need Not Apply”

“I like it.” Kate said, “It works”

“Great. I think I’m done.” Jacki announced and saved the document.

“Let me see.” Kate sat up and gestured for Jacki’s laptop. Kate read through the article for a minute or two then started typing and clicking around.

“Something I forgot?” Jacki asked, picking at the frayed edges of the couch cushion.

Kate typed a few more things. “No,” She said while handing Jacki back her laptop, “It’s just now you’ll get to see if there’s a guy out there who actually fulfills your requirements and is still attracted to your obviously high maintenance persona.”

“What?!” Jacki exclaimed, “You posted it?!” Jacki clicked over to Craigslist seeing her catchy line displayed in bold among the hundreds of other desperate women searching men. She stared at Kate with wide-eyes.

“Come on, J. What was the point of writing it then? This should be fun.” Kate reasoned, “I look forward to reading all of your responses.” She said as she turned back to her homework.