Life..

two in one day...aren't you special...

So, life gave me a wake up call today in the form of the two words I have come to despise/fear: "Grandpa fell."

Grandpa fell last year when he had his stroke. Grandpa fell last summer when he broke his arm. Grandpa fell and hit his head. Grandpa fell and bruised his arm. Grandpa fell and bruised his cheek. Grandpa fell and they took him to the hospital...again. Grandpa fell. Grandpa fell. Grandpa fell. I don't understand how a person can fall while using a walker, but I guess that really isn't the point.

You see, my grandparents shouldn't be living alone, but no one in the family will take responsibility for them. I'm the only one with no set plans, so it would make sense that I move in with them for the next year, get a job around the corner for expenses and so I'll be close by, and take care of them. The only problem is that I don't drive, so it would be irresponsible of me to take care of two elderly people without the ability to drive them places. It doesn't make sense. It's my fault I'm not even qualified to take care of my own grandparents. It's my fault I'm stupid and refuse to drive. It's my fault I've let this fear control my life. It's my fault that people look down at me because I can't drive. It's my fault that everyone in my family is disappointed in me. I have no one to blame but myself. And now, it's my fault that I can't even help.

Dear Awkward,

Thanks for coming to the party last night. It was awesome. You got all the people I never wanted to meet in the same room together. Have I told you how much I appreciate that? It was especially fun when one of my really good friends came up to me and told me that a gay guy just tried to make out with her - I told her that was to be expected out of him.

Oh, and just because you are so considerate, I thoroughly enjoyed none of those people even looking at me (well, until one of them was forced to play beer pong against me). All I got was a drunkenly yelled "Jeeessssiiiicaaaa!!!" from the one and a whiny, "Why do you haaaate meee?" from the other.

I couldn't even hang out with my real friends because you, Awkward, were always sitting or standing right there. I, at least, hope my friends see what idiots they all are and respect me more for ditching them. Oh, and nice touch at the end with those two guys. The shorty didn't even glance in my direction, and the big guy was just upset we beat him at beer pong.

One more thing, please stop making yourself present all up on that one guy who keeps staring at me whenever I'm in a 5 mile radius. I mean, seriously, talk about creeper. Well, that was all. Please don't show up again at a party like that, or anywhere for that matter.

Much obliged!
MJ

Are you kidding me?

like...for reals? I am so tired right now, that appears to be my new "thing." I seriously can't remember the last time I got a full night's sleep. And this sucks because sleeping is my favorite. I used to count on those restful 8-9 hours each night to get me through the day. Now I'm relying on caffeine and naps. This is not the way to live. On top of that, this lack of sleep is making me even more cranky and totally screwing up my hormones. Stupid capstone stress isn't helping either. And what am I getting out of this non-existent sleep??? NOTHING. Apparently it is just normal for people to stay awake all night with nothing better to do...though I am beginning to know the late night tv schedule.

?

I have been asked so many times within the last two days if I'm getting excited about graduation. My answer is always the same: No.

I'm honestly way to stressed to even contemplate graduating right now. I have procrastinated way too much for comfort, and now everything is piled on at the end. So much shit is due within the next two weeks, and I am not prepared for any of it. So, no, I am not excited about graduation. I have nothing to do afterward, so there is no rush for me to go home. I despise the idea of me living with my parents again. I want my own place, but of course I can't afford that shit.

Not too mention I'm not looking forward to leaving monterey. Surprisingly I got comfortable here, and am kind of nervous to leave and not know when I'm coming back. I hope I can stay at least an extra week just so I can say a proper goodbye to some people. My parents didn't seem too thrilled with that idea, but just up-and-leaving is kinda scary. Especially since I'll have family here from mid week til the time I leave for good, so I won't get to hang out with anyone those last few days. I just need a few extra days to tie up some loose ends and maybe see where some things go.

Why is everything happening so fast?

dear life,

work with me ok? Please stop having boys send me "signals" who don't follow through. I'm really tired of being lead on by guys who all of a sudden back off. I want a guy to be assertive and straight forward. What happened to all these big, strong MEN I hear about who don't give up? This makes me have really low self-esteem, and I do not appreciate it. So, please let this one be different, and not be awkward when we run into each other tomorrow. I want to insert a little more fun into my last few weeks of a college student...is that too much to ask? I know everything happens for a reason, but these reasons are no longer clear to me. Now I am off to have "sweet dreams" as per wished, hoping that everything works out.

<3