Frogs Need Not Apply

“Check this out,” Jacki says to her roommate Kate who is also stretched out with her laptop on the opposing couch, “this dude is seriously looking for someone who gets turned on by the idea of being a submissive fuck-toy and fantasizes about being treated as a cumslut and bitch.”

“Why are you on Craigslist again?” Kate gives Jacki a sidelong glance before returning to her Organic Chemistry lab write-up that she’s copying from her friend who took the class last semester.

“I was looking for a table or something so we can finally get our TV off the floor. But I got bored of that and there’s some funny shit on this site. Maybe I should respond to the 36 year old sugardaddy looking for a princess to spoil. He’s old enough to be financially secure, but young enough that it wouldn’t be completely gross if I prostituted myself to him.”

“Be sure to tell him you can bake.” Kate added distracted by chemical formulas.

“Good idea.” Jacki said scrolling through the hundreds of personal ads.

“I was kidding.” Kate stopped typing and turned to glare at her best friend. “You can’t be serious, J.” Jacki met Kate’s gaze across the secondhand coffee table covered in old Grocery Outlet coupons and empty Diet Coke cans.

“You know I’m not that desperate.” She returned to her perusal of sexually frustrated men. “But seriously, does this guy think he’s going to get a sane chick with ‘Cuddle Buddy Wanted’ as his subject line?”

“Lots of girls like to cuddle” Kate reasons.

“I know, but they usually like to cuddle up to a big strong guy who doesn’t admit that he likes it too.”

“Stereotype much?”

“Just stating facts.”

“Maybe that’s why you’re still single. You’re so picky, J.” Kate could feel Jacki’s glare. “Why don’t you write your own personal ad?” Kate suggests.

“You know,” Jacki said, sitting up to take a sip of her Diet Coke, “that’s a good idea.”

“Please don’t.”

“Why not? You said it yourself, I’m difficult to please, and this will ensure that guys know what I’m looking for up front. It’s perfect. And I’m honestly not going to actually post it. I’m not that much of a creeper. Right now, I’m just that bored.” She opened a new Word document, keeping Craigslist up for inspiration.

“Okaaaaay.” Kate said focusing back on her notes. Another rerun of Friends started on the television as Jacki pulled her hair into a ponytail and began to type.

22 year old single white female seeking single white male 23-27, Non smoker, and Drug/Disease Free. Must be taller than 5’8” with a decent build and muscle definition.

Jacki paused with her finger poised above her keyboard. “This is harder than I thought,” Jacki sighed.

“How can it be hard?” Kate asked, “You’re listing things about yourself and what you want in a man. All things you should know pretty well already, so just write them down.” After a minute Jacki began typing again.

I like reading, watching movies, video games (more-so when I actually win), playing board games and cards – but not geeky shit like World of Warcraft or whatever. Sports are fun to watch, although I do enjoy playing basketball and maybe some soccer.

“Damn, I sound boring.” Jacki said.

“Did you talk about your stripper pole?”

“I only had my exercise pole for like three weeks before I moved last year.” Jacki replied.

“Still…” Kate added, “guys like anything with ‘stripper’ attached to it.”

“Now who’s stereotyping?” Jacki mumbled turning back to her ad.

Some experience with an exercise pole. Train in Marital Arts two-three times a week. Love hiking day trips and the thought of camping – although the actual camping adventure may take some intense convincing. Can have fun just spending an entire day watching marathons of old TV series or building something constructive.

“Hmmm.” Jacki wonders aloud to Kate, “Would you consider, ‘Sometimes doesn’t get dressed all day’ as a positive or negative?”

“How can that possible be a positive trait?” Kate asks, “You realize the point is to attract guys…?”

“I dunno,” Jacki responds, “I thought the bed rumpled, sleepy eyed, comfortable look was sexy.”

“Yeah, and your flannel pajama pants concealing stubbly legs, stained oversized Spice Girls t-shirt, and greasy hair just screams ‘Do me now!’” Kate counters.

“Point taken.” Jacki moved on.

You can find me curled up in comfortable clothes on rainy days working on a puzzle, and in all sense just wasting life.

“Would it be wrong to say I’m a gold-digging hussy?” Jacki asked Kate.

“Well, it’s true, but I’d find a better way to say it.”

I prefer a financially stable man who likes to occasionally display his wealth in a tasteful, nonprostituting way. I’d like a guy who can take charge of a situation without being a complete douche and overbearing unless it’s specified in certain situations which, of course, we’ll discuss further upon approval.

“I feel like I should stop, but I have many more qualifications a possible man must adhere to.” Jacki pursed her lips in deliberation.

“You said it was just a joke, so rant it out.” Kate advised.

“Hmm…you’re right.” Jacki went back to laying out her terms.

Want a man who wants to protect me but admires my independence. Who supports and motivates without being annoying. Has goals and aspirations to succeed. Wants to pay my way, but respects my own career. A self appointed “tough guy” who knows where the line is. Can make me feel small and fragile as well as strong and capable. Opinionated but not imposing.

“Keep in mind you don’t want to repeat history.” Kate interjected, referring to Jacki’s previous failed dating attempts.

I move faster than a simple peck on the cheek after 3 weeks of dating, but please refrain from pulling your dick out at a bus stop on the second date. I won’t make the first move, but again, be able to sense the mood and know the boundaries.

Jacki thought about her brief fling with Alan when she was just a freshman in college. Too nice of a guy not ready for an adult relationship, but too sweet to give up on. Jacki was patient for a month before becoming frustrated with the sixth-grade relationship they fell into. That’s when she realized she was drawn more towards the take charge type. However, last year Rocky got so wasted and high at a party on their second “date” that he freely whipped out his junk while they were waiting at a lit, residential, bus stop. A happy medium is her new goal.

Jacki clicked back over to Craigslist for some more ideas. “What should I be looking for?” She asked Kate, “Relationship wise I mean. Should I go for a long term thing, friends with benefits, or like this one guy who is taking bondage classes and just needs a rope bottom to practice on.”

“With your specifications, I’d take whatever you can get.” With that under consideration, Jacki finished off her ad.

If you feel confident in yourself and are prepared to be emasculated as per testing procedure, then please respond with decent grammar and correct spelling. All responses with dumbass slang and text talk will be instantly deleted. For example: “I go 2 skool,” “looking for sum1 thats real shes gotta have dreams,” and “no strags atasht” which I’m pretty sure was suppose to say “no strings attached.” Also, and this is very important, no guy in his right mind should ever use “lol” in any type of context unless he is gay, in which case I am not looking for you.

“I need a catchy subject line,” Jacki said.

“Too Stuck Up For You” Kate suggested and thought for a minute, “or what about, Check Me Out With Your Checkbook Out.”

“Uh, no.” Jacki dismissed, “Although that second one is pretty catchy. How about: In Search Of Prince Charming – Frogs Need Not Apply”

“I like it.” Kate said, “It works”

“Great. I think I’m done.” Jacki announced and saved the document.

“Let me see.” Kate sat up and gestured for Jacki’s laptop. Kate read through the article for a minute or two then started typing and clicking around.

“Something I forgot?” Jacki asked, picking at the frayed edges of the couch cushion.

Kate typed a few more things. “No,” She said while handing Jacki back her laptop, “It’s just now you’ll get to see if there’s a guy out there who actually fulfills your requirements and is still attracted to your obviously high maintenance persona.”

“What?!” Jacki exclaimed, “You posted it?!” Jacki clicked over to Craigslist seeing her catchy line displayed in bold among the hundreds of other desperate women searching men. She stared at Kate with wide-eyes.

“Come on, J. What was the point of writing it then? This should be fun.” Kate reasoned, “I look forward to reading all of your responses.” She said as she turned back to her homework.